Monday, 17 December 2012

When Food Becomes Your Life

HELLO people! Yes I've been absent, and I won't bore you with my excuses, but life sometimes does backhand you in the face....and then you're bed bound for ages and there ain't much ya can do!!! So I thought I'd post about something which all of you should know me for, and something which has forever been there during my absence from blogging....FOOD

1)      The last time I weighed myself on scales, I realised I had a chocolate bar in my pocket

2)      On my way to the gym I bought myself a post-workout meal for when I’m finished. I ended up skipping gym and eating it on the floor of the changing rooms, whilst crying.

3)      I’m a severe procrastinator (when it comes to boring things) and I therefore believe the most feasible reward for two minutes of boring work is two bags of sweets

4)      I  don’t care how good looking you are, call my burger ‘processed fat which Satan has taken a shit on’ and you will get shunned

5)      Every time I begin exercising, I suddenly become philosophical, and start thinking ‘why am I putting myself through all this agony? Why is a perfect body so important to me? Who have you become? I could be doing something more productive with my time, and here I am, sweating like a bitch. Why don’t you try giving to charity? Why don’t you start a revolution?’... And then I continue to eat.

6)      I have discovered (after months of trial and error) the best position for being in bed, whilst on the laptop…and eating at the same time

7)      Whenever someone is handing out free food samples, I plan cunning ways to walk past them about 20 times, to take their food 20 times, without them realising I am the same person

8)      I take the lift up one floor, because I know one flight of stairs will leave me breathless for 15 minutes…purely because of all the shit I eat

9)      Nothing angers me more than reading the words ‘reduced fat’ on food. Are you trying to mock me?


11)   That could really do with some…added cheese

12)   ‘I’m poor, where has all my money gone?’ She says whilst ‘treating’ herself with food

13)   Food has become one of the central reasons for disputes within my family. ‘WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO EVEN LOOK AT MY FOOD YET ALONE TOUCH IT? DO I HAVE TO BEGIN LABELLING MY FOOD? THE INJUSTICE IN THIS HOUSE IS DISGUSTING, I HATE YOU ALL’ *locks self in room and finds solace in secret food stash*

14)   I’m afraid of people going on my laptop and looking at my search history… Because they’ll find the restaurant menus I google for pleasure

15)   For me, the ‘five second rule’ is the ‘whenever I find it, I’ll eat it rule’

16)   Lying down on the floor in my underwear, making whale noises whilst surrounded by empty packets of food is something I’m far  too familiar with

17)   My incentive to sleep at night is knowing I will wake up and be able to eat breakfast

18)   I cannot let someone get away with merely saying ‘I just had lunch’. I expect every last detail from what was in it to THE WAY IT MADE YOU FEEL. I wanna live your experience, I wanna feel like I ate it too

19)   I find crumbs on my bed, laptop, inside my bag, on my clothes, and instead of being utterly disgusted, I get happy about the reminder

20)   If all else fails, I find relief in knowing I can count on food. Love you always and forever babes xxx