Thursday, 30 August 2012

ARE YA HAIRY?

Today I thought I'd blog about something which not a lot of women like to talk about....FACIAL HAIR. I can see ya'll cringing right now behind your screens, but most of ya'll are probably werewolves, so pipe down!!! I really don't understand why the subject is such a taboo, seeing as the majority of girls I know have more hair than ya average girl (fuck the average girl!!!!!) Well enough of the embarrassment, I'm here to tell you all about a device I use for facial hair.

Firstly, if you're a guy reading this, and this has somewhat painted a horrendous image of me to you, then I'm glad, because you're probably horrendously shit yourself.

So here's a little background story, my 'hair story' so to speak. Seeing as I'm of Middle Eastern descent, I have unfortunately been cursed with hairiness. There, I can say it because I've had to accept it. Gone are the days where I constantly curse my parents for their genes (actually I still do curse my mother, that woman got the hair-free gene and couldn't pass it on :'( ). Sigh, I was the girl with the moustache and mono-brow at school (until I was old enough in my mother's eyes to get rid of it). I can say this without giving a fuck because all the people who did take the piss out of me were idiotic guys who were intimidated by the fact that I could grow more hair than them (why am I saying this proudly lmaooo) and who eventually fell in love with me due to my amazing personality (lol). I guess the upsides of being hairy is that you're blessed with thick eyebrows and thick hair (which although I find a nuisance, I know other people would kill for).



Here's a pic I think demonstrates best my freshly done eyebrows. I'm often asked if they are penciled in at all, they are not, I am hairy.

So yeah, I have tried every type of hair removal in the book.... Cold wax strips: Do not work. Hot wax: Makes me break out, so by the time my spots are gone I'm hairy again....Thread: Fuck my life. Having long eyelashes and thick eyebrows means I have possibly the most painful threading experience. The bitchass lady always seems to get my eyelashes caught on the thread. Sigh.  I surprisingly don't find doing my upper lip painful. I know most people find it unbearable, but for me, because of how often I have to do it (every bloomin' day) I'm just used to it. Getting it done everyday professionally isn't the kindest to my wallet, and I'm not the sorta person who wants to form a relationship with the lady at the salon, because I'm generally awkward like that. So I'd like to stay away from as much as I can.  
So, one day, many years ago, I stumbled across a product which has helped me a heck load with doing my upper lip.

Lolz, doesn't she look so relaxed

This thing my dear friends, is a blooming saviour for people who cannot be bothered to learn how to thread, and people who constantly have to do their upper lip. I know for a fact my upper lip is too sensitive to be waxed (try walking into high school countless times with a scab on your upper lip, sigh), so this is AMAZING.

Here's the instructions for those wondering how the heck you use it: 


THIS SHIT HAS CHANGED MY HAIRY LIFE. It's saved me a lot of money, and is so handy because I can carry it around anywhere with me. It does look a bit dodgy, and if someone found it laying in your handbag, they will probably wonder what the actual fuck? But if this happens, you slap them across the face for even looking in yo handbag!

I can't remember how much I got it for, I think £10 or something along that line.. Pretty inexppensive for what you are getting! The website is www.eze-tweeze.com, so if you're interested you know where to go.

Overall, it is pretty easy to get to grips with. Pain wise, it stings a bit, but you get used to it. That being said, as I said before, my pain threshold on my upper lip seems to be different to other people. Either way, with patience your upper lip will be hairless in minutes. You can use this on other parts of your face, but for me, I can't stomach the pain...It's all down to you and what you can handle.







And there are my manly hands to add to the image of my general manliness.

So that's my upper lip sorted, as for the rest of my goddamn face, I use this sometimes, but I already swear enough, and using this on my face just makes me swear all the more. As does using anything on my face... But that is my own personal battle that I have to live with forever...sigh!

Anyways, I hope I helped some of you girls out there...and I hope you can all join me in a prayer for the hairy girls, 'cause we need all the love we can get- LIFE IS HARD BEING US!!!

P.s. totally tempted to take this out at a dinner party and just started rolling it around across my face like its something casual LOL. What dinner parties do I even go to? I forgot who I am for a second there.

KNOW YOURSELF PEOPLE

and on that note... CIAO



Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Food and No Words






This is food I consumed today. Usually I would go on about how amazing it all was, and how I suffered the world's largest sugar comma, but not today. I'm just gonna cut to the chase and say it; I'm pretty shaken up. No, nobody died, something worse happened.... A bird shat on my arm. I actually have no words.  If you know me, then you'd know just how much I am terrified of birds, so to have the thing you fear probably most in the world take a goddamn shit on your arm is not the best feeling. I think it was their revenge because earlier today in East London (home of the Asians) I saw a bunch of them eating jalebi, or as us Arabs call it, zalabiya,  and I found the situation all so typical for East London. Such freshie pigeons. So yes, I laughed GODDAMNIT I LAUGHED HARD. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAD TO SHIT ON ME YOU EVIL PIGEONS :'(. God, it had such perfect aim. I know it's meant to be good luck if a bird shits on you, so something flipping amazing better happen to make up for this. Until then, if you need me, I'll be in the corner of my room rocking back and forth from the memory of it all.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Thoughts of Today

Wow, what a shit sleep. Why do I keep waking up at 7.30am these days? Oooo yes, laying down in the fetal position and hugging my knees is so oddly comfortable. I wish I could hire someone to hug my ovaries.  Just give them a good stroke. Would anyone be willing to do that free of charge? Fuck you if you'd ask for money, I'm amazing and hugging any part of me should be an honour in itself.  Can I be bothered to get out of bed? No. I could really do with a nice big breakfast. Can I be bothered to make it? No. *rolls out of bed, down the stairs and into the kitchen*. Hmmmm, eggs and tomatoes sounds so good right now, this involves effort though. *Opens up cupboard* 

Oh. We only have coco pops. I'm not fond about the idea of chocolate for breakfast. Alright ovaries, you win. I shall feed you all the chocolate you need. Oh look it has vitamin D in it. Let me pretend to give a fuck.
People suck. Why do you all suck so bad? Why do you say things then completely and utterly go against it?  I hate it when people moan about never being able to trust anyone, just to sound all mysterious and hidden. Why am I becoming that person? I blame everyone else. I'm great. You all suck. Why do I have to wear a hair net and hat to work? Maybe if I stretch my foot a little I can reach that box of tissues with my toes, rather than having to get up and move to get it. I think boys should all go through a period for at least one day. No. The entire week. And then maybe they will spend more time shutting the fuck up rather than chatting shit all the time.  I shall just watch this situation and laugh to myself. I feel sorry for you. All you care about is your popularity and befriending everything that moves. That sorta attitude will land you an STI, missy. I think I need some tea to motherfucking soothe the pain of this goddamn cycle.

I like my mug. Ahmad tea is great. It must be the Arab in me which overly appreciates cardamon. I remember the time the shop 'Eat' had put cardamon seeds in my tuna sandwich. I mean, i've had my fair share of cardamon but that is just crossing the line. They were probably capers, but it sure did taste like cardamon. I was angry and hungry, and emailed them with my friendly suggestion of changing their shop name from 'Eat' to 'Eat shit'. I haven't returned since. Did you seriously not get my point? That's not my point, my point was valid and we both know it. That's why you're ignoring it. A Chinese woman who was a customer at work made my week by telling me I am very attractive, even with my hat on. Oh wow, my favourite mug has a cat on it. Subliminal messages about how I should just give up and become a cat lady? Why do my feet have two different tan shades? Why couldn't I find anything on foot plastic surgery on Google? I must get myself nicer feet and finally feel confident enough to wear sandals. I knew this tea was missing something...

WHAT IS THIS MONSTROSITY? WHOOOO bought these fake jammie dodgers and who thought it was okay to replace the strawberry goodness with raspberry and cream? Why are all the malted milk biscuits broken in half? This just means I should eat more of them. GODDAMNIT, I WILL NEVER LEARN THAT 5 SECONDS IS TOO LONG TO DUNK MY BISCUIT IN TEA.  I can't drink a hot drink without keeping the tea spoon in the cup, does this mean I have attachment issues? Why did my friends laugh at me yesterday when I told them a favourite pass-time of mine is listening to Beyonce- I miss you, and crying like it has relevance to my life. It doesn't. But it's fun. I miss no one. If you're not in my life anymore it's your fault. I did nothing wrong. I'm great. I wish my mum would stop making kissy noises over Skype to my baby nephew. Oh it's raining *waits for a billion people to put this as their Facebook status*. No you stupid man, cappuccinos are meant to have frothy milk on the top, so do not tell me there shouldn't be froth. Oh you wanna go to the cafe downstairs then? That's fine, you're ugly and no one wants you here. There's so much you don't know and I never felt like I could tell you. I'm glad I didn't. I always end up feeling like the fool, but then I remember i'm in fact...COOL. I love rhyming, but no one does it better than Eminem. I love that man, and I'm certain he loves me too.

 
Last night was fun. I haven't laughed that much in so long. The drinks and food were so good. I can't believe my workmate said I have too high standards. Why would anyone want low standards? Why would I of all people expect anything less than the best when I myself am exactly that? Why do people take my realisation of my greatness as cockiness? Would you rather I told you all I'm shit and horrendous and I WISH I WERE LIKE YOU? You'd like that wouldn't you. But you're shit.  I'm sorry but constantly kicking a football in my direction and at me is not going to make me fall in love with you. In fact nothing will make me fall in love with you. Unless you constantly provide me with food. In fact, BE FOOD. YES. Be a piece of fried chicken or something. I will love you forever, then eat you, and end your existence forever. Then the world will be a better place. I hate it when you talk, but I hate it  even more when you don't talk. Then you go and talk and say all the wrong things and I end up hating it all. People say I'm full of hate. This is a lie. I'm full of biscuits, and you're full of shit.
I wish I could just eat forever.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Kids, Why Do You Anger Me So? (Part 2 Of Possibly Many Parts)

So I haven't blogged in ages due to being extremely busy and also extremely lazy. What better way to mark my return than to MOAN SOME MORE ABOUT THE ANNOYANCE OF THE EARTH- KIDS.

I will keep this story short and not so sweet...

Let me set the scene for you... a nice sunny day, walking through a park on my return home from a good day out. Possibly even skipping whilst the sun shines in the background. The smell of freshly cut grass wafting in the air. Talking on the phone to one of the world's most amazing people (and possibly the world's only amazing person)... and then IT happened. I say 'it' because the other words I would choose to describe this occurrence are far too rude (not that I care).

So what disturbed this amazing moment?
A GODDAMN CHILD SPAT ON MY FOOT. What is this bullshit and why does it happen to me? You're probably thinking it's nothing- and screw you for thinking so. It was possibly the most horrific moment of my year so far. IT RAN UP TO ME, with a GRIN on it's face, and then just spat on my foot. Then it continued grinning whilst staring me dead in the eye. NO YOU IDIOT CHILD- THERE IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF HERE. The sun might as well of stopped shining right then because those 5 seconds totally killed my day. I of course had the most disgusted look on my face and turned around to find the idiotic person who produced this child. And what did his mother do? She just looked at me with no emotion and huffed 'sorry'. SORRY. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRY? Sorry for what exactly? Having me come in contact with your undisciplined child? Or sorry to me and everyone else in the world for producing such a vile creature?

So I walked away still disgusted, trying my hardest to continue with my phone conversation  whilst sitting at the bus stop. But I was still so mortified that I just couldn't even speak properly. The woman and her child then decided it was okay to sit next to me. So I took the opportunity to extract my revenge.... I wiped my spit infested foot on the child. Not once, but about 5 times until I knew for sure my foot was at least slightly less contaminated. This all happened whilst it stared at me confused. If anyone walked past at that moment it may have been a weird thing to witness.

Nonetheless, my happiness was restored, and I am alive to tell the tale. So all is good in the hood....I guess.