Monday, 17 December 2012

When Food Becomes Your Life

HELLO people! Yes I've been absent, and I won't bore you with my excuses, but life sometimes does backhand you in the face....and then you're bed bound for ages and there ain't much ya can do!!! So I thought I'd post about something which all of you should know me for, and something which has forever been there during my absence from blogging....FOOD


1)      The last time I weighed myself on scales, I realised I had a chocolate bar in my pocket

2)      On my way to the gym I bought myself a post-workout meal for when I’m finished. I ended up skipping gym and eating it on the floor of the changing rooms, whilst crying.

3)      I’m a severe procrastinator (when it comes to boring things) and I therefore believe the most feasible reward for two minutes of boring work is two bags of sweets

4)      I  don’t care how good looking you are, call my burger ‘processed fat which Satan has taken a shit on’ and you will get shunned

5)      Every time I begin exercising, I suddenly become philosophical, and start thinking ‘why am I putting myself through all this agony? Why is a perfect body so important to me? Who have you become? I could be doing something more productive with my time, and here I am, sweating like a bitch. Why don’t you try giving to charity? Why don’t you start a revolution?’... And then I continue to eat.

6)      I have discovered (after months of trial and error) the best position for being in bed, whilst on the laptop…and eating at the same time

7)      Whenever someone is handing out free food samples, I plan cunning ways to walk past them about 20 times, to take their food 20 times, without them realising I am the same person

8)      I take the lift up one floor, because I know one flight of stairs will leave me breathless for 15 minutes…purely because of all the shit I eat

9)      Nothing angers me more than reading the words ‘reduced fat’ on food. Are you trying to mock me?

10)   LOVE ME WITH FOOD ON MY FACE OR DON’T LOVE ME AT ALL

11)   That could really do with some…added cheese

12)   ‘I’m poor, where has all my money gone?’ She says whilst ‘treating’ herself with food

13)   Food has become one of the central reasons for disputes within my family. ‘WHO THE HELL GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO EVEN LOOK AT MY FOOD YET ALONE TOUCH IT? DO I HAVE TO BEGIN LABELLING MY FOOD? THE INJUSTICE IN THIS HOUSE IS DISGUSTING, I HATE YOU ALL’ *locks self in room and finds solace in secret food stash*

14)   I’m afraid of people going on my laptop and looking at my search history… Because they’ll find the restaurant menus I google for pleasure

15)   For me, the ‘five second rule’ is the ‘whenever I find it, I’ll eat it rule’

16)   Lying down on the floor in my underwear, making whale noises whilst surrounded by empty packets of food is something I’m far  too familiar with

17)   My incentive to sleep at night is knowing I will wake up and be able to eat breakfast

18)   I cannot let someone get away with merely saying ‘I just had lunch’. I expect every last detail from what was in it to THE WAY IT MADE YOU FEEL. I wanna live your experience, I wanna feel like I ate it too

19)   I find crumbs on my bed, laptop, inside my bag, on my clothes, and instead of being utterly disgusted, I get happy about the reminder

20)   If all else fails, I find relief in knowing I can count on food. Love you always and forever babes xxx




Friday, 26 October 2012

T-Mobile, Kindly Go Away

I have moaned about T-Mobile once before, and I will do it again.

After having to save their number as 'Do not answer', I have been pushed to the edge with their constant phone calls. I do not like convos with strangers on the phone, THAT'S JUST ME. Having my own phone network constantly call me just to ask me if I want a new sim or new phone or blah blah blah SHUT THE EFF UP, has caused me to go slightly crazy(er). What if I am going through a terrible life crises, do you realllly think I need your constant phone calls? Do you think me having to PAY for what you claim is a freebie is going to make me feel better? I feel like I am running away from a besotted ex who wants to charm me with presents, yet there is always a catch. I even considered getting their number blocked but how do you go about having that awkward conversation with your own phone network to let them know you want to block them? It's like A FRIGGIN BREAK UP. I DO NOT NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS.

THIS SERIOUSLY FEELS LIKE A RELATIONSHIP.

I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS UNNECESSARY STRESS.

Is it seriously okay to hassle your customers? I mean, if I blanked one phonecall, they wouldn't hesitate to phone me again an hour later. 

And now they've gone and done what anyyyyy crazy infatuated ex would do, call you from a different number.

So yes, I answered, to a man who sounded drunk, and our conversation was as follows:



Him: Hi is this Zaineb? This is *cant remember his dickheaded name for the life of me* from T-mobile

Me: *SIGHS* No :(

Him: From your family members that live with you, who uses a mobile?

Me: No 

Him: Okay, if they don't use mobiles then I can help YOU out more

Me: No

Him: Okay I'm trying to see how I can help you, I can give you a phone for £10.50 a month we have new Blackberrys and other cool phones

Me a.k.a 'the best': No

Him: Do you like Ipads?

Me: No

Him: Okay thanks bye!!!



WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF THAT CONVERSATION, SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?

Please do not tell me they are just trying to be nice. There is niceness and then there is needing to shut the frig up-ness. I am very sure it is not my welfare and happiness they are concerned for, IT IS THEIR OWN.

So I conclude, extremely strongly,

GO AWAY T-MOBILE. GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, I stole this pic.


Tuesday, 16 October 2012

10 Day Challenge: Final 5 Days



So here's the remainder of the 10 day challenge, because I am a fail.


Five Foods

Firstly, how I'm only meant to pick 5 foods is beyond me..but here goes

1) Cheese. I love all things cheese, and am constantly adding cheese to everyyyythang. If someone tells me they don't like cheese, I am instantly offended. I refuse to comprehend such a thing



2) Pasta. Because there are so many things you can do with it, and it tastes daymnnn good with a heck load of cheese.

3) Rice. I like carbs ok? (Don't accuse me of mega comfort eating). Rice with meat. Eggfried, boiled, on it's own. I can eat rice without stopping. It's a horrific image.

4) CAKE. I JUST LOVE ME SOME CAKE. Cupcakes because they're pretty..Madeira cake, angel cake, carrot cake, date and walnut cake, coffee cake, Victoria sponge cake, lemon cake, chocolate cake, banana cake. Oh my.

5) Sweets. They make me happy because eating them I feel young and naive. Something which I AM, but the sweets emphasise loool. 


Four Books

Yet again, how am I meant to only pick four? I'm an English student! I'm actually struggling to think of only 4 books when I have read sooo many.

1) Wuthering Heights. Words can't explain the immense love I have for this book. If Heathcliff were real, I would force him to engage in some sadomasochistic love story with me, and not Catherine the irritating biatch . Sigh.

2) A Thousand Splendid Suns. I read the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, and thought he could never top that book...but then I read this...and WOW. Every page bought some sort of emotion out of me...which is shocking considering I am an emotionless rock...sometimes

3)The Very Hungry Caterpillar. I don't even need to say anything here.

4) HARRY POTTTAAAAAAA. I'm not even gonna be one of those people who pretend to be against the hype, I'M ALL FOR IT. I remember loving The Prisoner of Azkaban the most. I don't even remember why, but I do remember sleepless nights trying to finish the books. If only I had the dedication for my university reading. P.s. DRACO MALFOY <3
 

Three Films

 I have no clue what my fave films are, because I love sooo many. So I will Pick 3 types of films..type thing...you will see what I mean as I go along

1) CHRISTMAS MOVIES. Because I love that time of year, and it's all about watching movies. CHRISTMAS ISN'T CHRISTMAS WITHOUT WATCHING KEVIN FRAME THOSE BURGLARS IN HOME ALONE. Oh and don't forget Bridget Jones. Lmao I'm such a girl.

2) The ones that come with a bunch of deep ass quotes that you only realise if you're really analysing. Poetic films I guess. Like Closer, American Beauty and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Is the English student in me coming out again?

3) I LOVE THOSE CHEESEY FILMS WITH THE GRANDE PERFORMING FINALE. Like Sister Act 2, Save the Last Dance. You get my point. All the ones we rinsed out as kids. Sigh.


Two Songs

1) THONG SONG- SISQO. Ya'll are probably thinking whatdafuk. But seriously. This song means a lot to Zara and I. You probably still won't get it, but it takes me back to a happy ass day. And come on, the emotion in his voice over thongs, howww can you not love it?

2) Kim- Eminem. I would nevvvver ever ever pick one fave Eminem Song, but seeing as I picked Thong song, a song which reminds me of good times, I thought it were only right to put my ultimate depression song up.


One Picture of Yourself


Aren't I so cool? No but really, why do people take photos like this? Lmao. This is how I feel about many things, especially how long it has taken me to do this challenge. In all seriousness, this is the most recent picture of me. I had a good day that day, happy with my headband purchase. Where I'm from in London, this 'screwface' is the same face as our happy face. Please don't take offense.

CIAO PEEPS. HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF ME FINALLY DOING THIS




Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Pret's Tuna Cucumber Baguette, MY BABES

I want to enlighten you ALL about my current baguette obsession. Firstly, let me tell give you a bit of background, to allow you to understand how I arrived at this obsession. I have always loved me some fish, all types of fish made in all typed of ways. I particularly LOVE tuna sandwiches, and have done so for as long as I can remember. However, usually, I prefer the homemade kind. I find  the ones I purchase outside just don't have the same good homemade taste to it. D'ya know what I mean? They just taste like they are smothered in bad things and always have the wrong kind of ratios. They either have too much mayonnaise, so it does not even taste like fish anymore, or too little vegetable so you don't get the dimensions you need in a sandwich. I also hate how most tuna and cucumber sandwiches seem to be made so sloppily, and just seems like they have been thrown together with no care because of the lumpy tuna and the cut up teeny tiny bits of cucumber. Why ain't ya generous with yo portions, oh sandwich makers?
 
HOWEVER, once upon a time, I surprisingly don't remember what time, but there was a time, because this time gave birth to many other times and thus all these times have been the most amazing times..... My point is, there was a time when I ventured into Pret a Manger. I would moan about the price of that place, but it's true when people say you get what you pay for (in this instance anyway). 


Damn right about being 'lovingly handmade'



After eating their Tuna and cucumber baguette, I have never looked at another Tuna and cucumber sandwich the same.

I had to write that on a whole separate line just to emphasise the greatness. I even italicised and put it in bold. ARE YOU GETTING MY POINT, PEOPLE??!?!? For those who are not..I continue...
I know it looks simple, and to most (basic) people itwould probably taste simple too, but to the people that say/think that..YOU are simple (no apologies with this statement). 
I will start with explaining the bread. Oh the bread. That not too crisp and not too soft bread. You know sometimes you get baguettes that are so soft you feel like they're not fresh. Or sometimes you get them and they are sooo hard you feel like you will break your tooth off biting into it, and once you do, you chew off more than you can handle and the entire filling comes flying out with it. Oh no, not with this baguette. It is the kind you want to hold in your hands and rock back and forth lovingly and stroke it like its your baby. And the tuna. Oh the tuna. The ratio of mayo to tuna is PERFECTION. No lumps, no lack of taste. It isn't tuna that is floating in a sea of way too much mayo. It has that nice fishy kick which isn't too 'OH MY GOSH MY BREATH'S GONNA STAAAANK AFTER THIS'. And then there's the cucumbers...OH THE CUCUMBERS... Possibly my favourite part. They aren't chopped up into measly invisible pieces, they are whole round pieces so you feel that CRUNCH then subtle moistness. And they are placed so neatly over the tuna, so you KNOW they are there because they are practically saying 'ELLO MATE' in your face. So add the crisp juicy cucumbers to your expertly proportioned tuna mayo and soft yet crisp baguette and you have PERFECTION.  Perfection which is so perfect that I would love to meet the first person to ever make this baguette, and kiss them...On the lips!!!!

I thought I was imagining the greatness of this baguette, until one day at work I overheard a workmate saying to another workmate 'I want a tuna subway today'. Workmate number two replied 'Pret does better tuna baguettes'. I cried... Of happiness of course. I usually hate when people discover things I love, but I felt so happy to know that someone had experienced the greatness like I had. We then spent about 10 minutes describing the greatness to workmate number one, who is now a full convert to the Pret side.



Look at that cucumber placement. Just look.

Apologies for the bad phone camera...and apologies for not getting better shots, I was kind of lost in the moment and didn't have time. 

Once, I bought myself a packet of crisps for lunch, because I was feeling cheap and dirty. I sat in the park eating it, then spotted a young boy sitting under a tree, eating a Pret Tuna baguette. Witnessing him chew it with such enjoyment (I am aware how wrong this explanation sounds, especially since I am speaking about a young child, but just go with it) was enough to make me leave everything I was doing (nothing) and go purchase one for myself. Some Prets do them in smaller sizes, which I usually opt for. So if you can't stomach such a big one, then you may be able to find them in half the size. But the Pret near my work only does it in the large size. I pretend this upsets me, and that it may be bad for my health, but we all know I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAAAAYM.

Let's see what Pret themelves have to say about this baguette (straight off the website yo)


Freshly Baked Baguette + Pole & Line Caught Skipjack Tuna + Free-Range Mayo + Red Onion + Freshly Sliced Cucumber (I stole this image because it made the ingredients look even nicer with the stars in between)
 
"This baguette has a great fat ratio. This sounds very technical (and not very appealing) but this just means that the fat in the baguette is ‘good fat’ which has great anti-inflammatory properties and can reduce the risk of heart disease (rather than lots of ‘bad’, saturated fat). It is also high in both iron and zinc (to keep your hard working skin looking bright and healthy). On the downside, you’re missing some of your fruit and veg by having this baguette for lunch so munch on an apple or tuck into a smoothie to tick that box too! 10p from every Tuna Baguette sold goes to support the Pret Foundation Trust."


I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT HAD RED ONION. That definitely what explains its greatness. I love red onion's sweetness.  Oh and it's called the 'Pole & Line Caught Tuna Mayo & Cucumber Baguette'...fancy. Eating this s baguette even 'can even reduce the risk of heart disease'. Come on. Sold.
And lets ignore the fact that having it alone for lunch isn't that great for you, when I clearly just showed you a photo of my lunch which was only the baguette and coke... (I lie, I had a cake after too :( )

If you haven't tried this baguette, DO SO NOW. And you can thank me later, with a baguette.

Oh and I realise I did just write an entire post on one sandwich. I never fail to amaze myself with my beastliness.

Monday, 1 October 2012

10 Day You Challenge: 6 Places



Six Places

1) My bed- I've mentioned why my bed is amazing plenty of times before, but because I love it so, I will mention it again- it's the place I sleep, eat, read, think, cry, chill. ONE LOVE TO MA BED

2) New York. I have never been...well I've never really been anywhere...but one day, I will. I guess I've fallen for the city life they depict in movies and T.V shows. And maybe just MAYBE I want to go shopping with a Starbucks frappe in my hand (I'm in no way a capitalist...ahem) 

3) Bookshops. I honestly lament the days I would spend in bookshops as a kid just reading and readddddding for pleasure. I would have said Libraries, but I don't feel at all comfortable in libraries- that's another story!

4) Airports. It's kinda sad, considering I've been on a plane ONCE in my life, but going to the airport is exciting for me. I really can't even explain what it is. As you can tell, my life lacks excitement lmao

5) Central London. London itself usually pisses me off, but at the end of the day- it's home. I will always secretly love it. But the places I lust over and WISH I could live in are mostly in Central London....(I swear I'm not consumed by Capitalism)

6) The most cliche of them all...HOME. My house. Nothing beats getting home after the worst day ever and knowing you can just be yourself and comfortable in your own space.

Friday, 28 September 2012

10 Day You Challenge: 7 Wants

7 wants (CURRENT WANTS)

1) I want to be able to do my reading for university. I love reading, but reading because I have to seems to be the most impossible thing ever

2) I want someone to take me to the cinema. Not to watch a movie, but to buy me pic n mix, popcorn, nachos, a drink. Then take me back home and allow me to just eat it all in my bed

3) I want an apology. Not from anyone in particular. I don't think many people owe me one, but the people that do, it's because they're pathetic, so them apologising will make me feel good. I like feeling good.

4) I want Jaden Smith to magically become my age. WHY IS HE 14 AND WHY HAVE YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE A GODDAMN PAEDOPHILE?

5) I want university to be over. It's my first week back of my final year, and I'm already fed up. But, I don't wanna have to go through all the final year work to get to the end grrrr

6) I want my temperature to go away. My head is burning and it AIN'T NICE YO.

7) I want to get a nose piercing... But I don't know if it would suit me. Until then I will continue to draw fake ones on me, trying to figure out if it will look good lmao


I now have The Spice Girls' song 'Wannabe' in my head. WOOP

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

10 Day You Challenge: 8 Fears




 Eight Fears


1) Pigeons. Make that all birds. I don't fear them when they're flapping their wings away from me, but when they are flip flapping near me, I CAN'T HANDLE IT. THEY ARE SO CRAP AT WHAT THEY'RE MEANT TO BE GOOD AT (flying) that I constantly find myself having to dodge out of the way of their lethal wings. Horrendous HORRENDOUSSSS creatures.

 2) Snakes. Yet again another animal, but it's not my fault most animals piss me off. I have never seen a snake in the same light since I saw a snake eat an entire other animal (a sheep or something) on T.V. That shit wasn't right.

3) Failure. A pretty cliched fear, but I fear my laziness will make me end up doing nothing. Even though I enjoy doing nothing, I don't really want that to be my future (surprisingly). I also hate failing even little things, so I over stress myself to the max.

4) Hunger. Lol, don't think I need to say much here haha

 5) Ticket barriers. I always run through them in train stations because I fear that if I walk sliggghtly slow, they will just shut back on me in my face.

 6) Pregnant women. And I mean ready to pop pregnant women. This fear isn't that bad, until I'm face  to face with one for more than 10 minutes, and I'm forced to think about the fact that there is a human being INSIDE OF YOU GODDAMNIT. It's all too freaky for me. A lecturer of mine at university was pregnant, and half way through the lecture I couldn't concentrate anymore because of how freaked out I got.

7) Public toilets. I can never EVER use a public toilet, unless I am BURSTING and even then I will be crying and dying inside. I don't know what it is, fear of contamination or something, but I never use them. Even if I actually do need to pee, I just walk into the toilets and I won't need to anymore, out of fear lmao. That's actually probably really bad for me so I shouldn't laugh.

 8) Growing old. Let's all cry. No one wants to grow old and be all nostalgic. I never wanna look back and regret not doing certain things or whatever. I'm only 20 and I'm already feeling like I wanna be young again. Sighhh

I think I need a hug after that lol joke I have no emotions. (haha)

Saturday, 22 September 2012

10 Day You Challenge: 9 Loves


Nine Loves

1) Eminem. I've gone on about him before, so I'll keep it short. I love him, his music, his lyrics. Everything.

2) Good conversationists.... That's not a word, but ya know what I mean. Nothing makes me happier than actually sitting with someone and managing to talk about everything and anything. EFF YOU PEOPLE WHO KILL CONVOS WITH 'WHAT YOU UP TO?' a.k.a wuu2, wubu2...etc . etc. etc. stfu please.

3) Movie nights... Getting in bed with popcorn..ice cream..snacks...any sort of snacks.... And just watching a movie

4) Monkeys. They be cute.
5) That moment of relief when you finally finish something.. It can be anything from finally finishing an essay, or finally realising a bad situation has come to an end. THAT WONDERFUL SIGH AND ARGHGHGH I LOVE THAT FEELING

6) Online shopping. A lazy procrastinator's heaven. I  LOVE online shopping. It's easier and Paypal feels like you're spending nothing. Online sales are so much easier to shop, because you can filter through them.

7) Getting into bed after a long day. I love my bed, I do everything in my bed, and I don't mind continuing my life with it being the only thing I come home to. (I'm not sad, you're just jealous).

8) Winter. It's my favourite time of year... Mostly because I can layer up my clothes and dress like shit and it will be acceptable. But also because people seem to be happier and people seem to hug more and I LOVE HUGS :'( (if you're annoying, that doesn't mean you can hug me)

9)  Having someone understand what you mean, and how you feel. Just like-minded people in general. That kind of goes with what I said about good conversationists, but I guess I just love it that much I had to kind of mention it again. That feeling when you know someone thinks the same as you, and for a second you think just maybeeeee there is hope fore mankind.


Wednesday, 19 September 2012

10 Day You Challenge: 10 Secrets


Hey guys! I've been seeing these posts on a lot of blogs (particularly been enjoying Hayley's) so I thought I might as well just do it myself. Basically, it's a ten day challenge and on each day you gotta speak about different things (seen above in the photo). Pretty simple really. May give ya'll an inside into the person behind zedeatsworld and what not. So hope you enjoy! If not, then sorry.... (not really)

Ten Secrets

1) I have really disliked my university experience. I don't know if it's my course, or the uni in general, or the fact I have no idea what to do once I'm done, but its just given me nothing but endless stress. I really don't see it being the best 3 years of my life.

2) I sometimes wish I wasn't as academically capable, because then I'd feel less guilty for wanting to pursue a career in something creative like acting (silly reasoning, I know)

3) I hate socialising, which probably explains why I often die off of social networking sites. I moan about never having anything to do, but when I get invited to do something, I mostly make excuses not to because I'd much rather stay indoors.I really just enjoy my own personal space

4) I have a secret stash of junk food in my room, because I fear hunger. LOL what a piggy secret.

5) As morbid as it sounds, I constantly think about the things I'd want done if I die anytime soon. I've already told Zara all the things I'd want her to say to people that I'd never have the guts to do now (mostly rude things loool)

6) I buy myself presents that I'd love people to buy me. LOL that sounded so sad, but being my own best friend really does have its perks (how can I say no to chocolates in bed *flutters eyelashes)

7) I can't sleep properly if I do not sing myself to sleep. Even if it's in my head, I WILL SING THE NIGHT  AWAY. It makes my sleep more satisfying

8) When I tell someone I 'need to go to the loo' then proceed in going, it is always a lie. I haven't gone to pee, I've gone to look in the mirror and sort my face/hair out.

9)  I have cried whilst watching 60 minute makeover. SHE WAS JUST SO HAPPY WITH THE MAKEOVER AND I WAS JUST SO HAPPY TOO. I SWEAR THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT WATCHING T.V ON MY LAPTOP AND IN MY ROOM. I AM MORE PRONE TO HAVING EMOTIONS!?!?!

10) This isn't much of a secret if you know me well, but people often don't realise how serious I am about this... I HATE my feet. Their shape, how they look, everything... So much so, I don't own any sandals, and can never take my socks off in front of people. If you have ever seen my feet, it is my only sign of affection looool.


That was a bit depressing, but hopefully tomorrow's nine loves should be a bit better ;) ciao for now!

Thursday, 6 September 2012

And My Mind Continues To Drift

As usual- I have a billion and one thoughts, so I thought I'd so another post like this one because my rambling stream of consciousness seemed to get a good response- so here goes...

WHY THE HELL DID I JUST TAKE A NAP? I always feel like absolute shit after it, and now I can't be bothered to do anything. Why do I overly stress myself? I wish I could just get all this reading done asap, but no, I would rather online window shop on ASOS. DARN YOU ASOS. As Seen On Screen. What screen? Shutup. OOOOhHhH phone vibration. Oh for the love of everything and everyone- T-MOBILE, STOP CALLING ME!!! I already hung up once in your face, why are you calling me EVERYDAY NOW? CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT? BUGABOOOOOO. Now I want to go on youtube and sing along to Destiny's Child. I want a fizzy drink. You know that first thirst quenching moment when you take that long gulp. I need that right now. I feel like it will fulfill me. YA MAKE ME WANNA THROW MY PAGER OUT THE WINDOW. I had a dream that me and two of my friends were starring in the video for Destiny's child 'Girl'. I hate that song, but I was Beyonce and I looked amazing. As much as I don't want you bugging me, leaving things on this note was not a smart move. You're not smart and your decisions are not smart either. You're one SCHUPID individual. I think it is fair to say that Mr Kipling does make exceedingly good cakes.


These cakes are my life. See I do have a life. Its pink and moist and amazing, with a bit of cream inside. That is NOT what she said you SICK people. When will you hurry up and get back from your dumb holiday? Things need to be done. PLANS. I HAVE A PLAN. Zara and I have a plan. I'm a man with a plan. Imagine I actually am a man and it took me 20 years of my life to finally realise? I dunno who will feel more cheated, me or ...LOL NO ONE. If all fails in my life, I really will give up and sell my hair as weave. A lot of people have suggested this. The bald man in Costa made my plan final. How do I get a nose ring without looking more Asian? That is the ultimate question. This is the confusion I face. How do I do this? I love finding secret passageways, I feel like I am a secret. Would it be cheesy of me to ask to be your secret. LOL AGAIN. I'm in such a LOL-ING MOOD. I wonder if you're happy with yourself- let me tell you now you shouldn't be.  What makes me happy? Chocolate. Endless chocolate.




LOOK HOW HAPPY ZAID IS. CHOCOLATE FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't walk up stairs without panting. Probably from all this chocolate. Whenever I walk up the stairs for work I imagine there are people watching me on the cameras and laughing because I stop every second to breathe. I'm pathetic. FREUD YOU ARE PATHETIC. WHY DID I CHOOSE TO READ YOUR WORK FOR MY DISSERTATION? I wish I could quote Eminem in my dissertation, so many of his lyrics would be so relevant, and then my dissertation would shit on all of your dissertations. I am so not looking forward to being back surrounded by the cocky people on my course. HI I'M EDGAR AND I'M FROM STUCK UP CUNT LAND. Hi, I'm Zaineb, KISS MY BUM.  No but seriously, why do boys still wear hoodies in this heat and come on public transport looking like they're ready to hurt someone? WHO HURT YOU BRO?! You know what I can't stand going to the dentist- but I think my last experience was decent. Although there was an awkward moment in the chair when my dentist was looking in my mouth- and Elvis Presley 'Can't Help Fallin' in Love' came on the radio, and my dentist was singing along, whilst staring into my mouth. And so I laughed. But instead a snort came out due to the fact that my mouth was open. So attractive. LOL did you seriously just call me mademoiselle in all seriousness? How can I not laugh? I hate when I know I'm right and yet I question my right-ness because YOU CAN'T STOP SHOUTING AT ME.  And then I look like a pushover, and then I imagine pushing YEW OVER A GODDAMN BRIDGE INTO THE WATER. P.s. I hope you can't swim.Don't make me do that again, it's not nice, nor fair.


It's amazing what light can do. I love colours. Why don't I have a favourite colour? I usually tell people I like green, and brown...but then I like orange, red, white, blue, purple... I LIKE ALL DA COLOURS BRO. If someone sneezed the way I just sneezed, I would have slapped them. I still wonder how you do that- you know, exist and annoy me all at the same time. It's amazing. But you don't amaze me.  I want to fall asleep on a park bench. I'm so grateful for the woman who sells jacket potatoes outside Pret a Manger, because she sells 50p canned drinks. I can then enjoy these with my pricey tuna and cucumber baguette. OH MY WORD. THE TUNA AND CUCUMBER BAGUETTE FROM PRET IS THE GREATEST THING. The bread, the way the cucumbers are all neatly placed, the right ratio between tuna and mayo. I will maybe dedicate a whole blog post to it, BECAUSE IT DESERVES IT. I will kiss the person who made that baguette, if your lips are as crusty as the bread- EVEN BETTER. I need a new winter jacket, unless someone will hug me 24/7 LOL JK GET OFF ME. Patting my foot like yeaaaaaah. I like to pat ma foot. If the dog next door does not stop barking, I promise I will...do nothing. Apart from skank along to the barks like I'm in a rave. This is mon LIFE PEOPLE.  I seriously need that drink. I seriously need to start my work.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Wake Me Up When September Ends

So it's September, and oh how the summer has gone so FAST. I am about to embark on my final year of undergraduate study, and I really don't know how to feel about it. What happens next? What do I WANT to happen next? It kinda sucks that we've been made to feel that we have to decide our futures as soon as possible. And because of that, I kinda don't wanna get it wrong. That's why I'm hoping this year doesn't go fast, so I can have time to thhhhhhinkkkkkk. Although thinking has gotten boring and I've gotten to a stage where all I do instead is eat my thoughts away (I have recently been caught several times, sprawled out on the kitchen floor, just eating). To be honest, I would rather focus on how amazing my discounted Ben and Jerry's ice cream tastes, and set myself challenges like 'how fast can I reach the bottom of this ice cream tub', rather than have to sit and think of all the money problems and challenges I'll probably face in the future. I NEED TO STOP EATING MY EMOTIONS GODDAMNIT. I think it's just the fear of the unknown. I'd love to know how things are gonna work out for me. Right now, I just feel kind apathetic about it all.

Anyway, rather than reading the books I should be reading for my dissertation, I decided to revisit Tupac Shakur's poetry book 'The Rose that Grew From Concrete' today. I thought I'd share one of the poems from it, because I absolutely LOVE that book. If you haven't read it then I really recommend you do. It has a lot of different themes so there is bound to be at least one you like. I have 2 favourites, which I would share, but they kinda mean a lot to me  and I'M SELFISH AND WANNA KEEP THEM TO MYSELF OKAY?lol. I haven't really done this in a post before, but it's a new month, so why not eh!


When your heart turns cold
(2 Kristen & my other friends who wonder)
 
it causes your soul 2 freeze
It spreads throughout your spirit
like a ruthless feeling disease
The walls that once were down
now stand firm and tall
Safe from hate/love, pain/joy
until u feel nothing at all
When ure heart turns cold
a baby's cry means nothing
A dead corpse is trivial
Mothers neglecting children is daily
Loneliness becomes your routine friend
Death seems like tranquility
Sleeping is never pleasant
if u even sleep at all
u forgot ideals and turn off the reason
2 make sure the product gets sold
You don't understand how I behave
Just wait till your heart turns Cold!

 
 

Thursday, 30 August 2012

ARE YA HAIRY?

Today I thought I'd blog about something which not a lot of women like to talk about....FACIAL HAIR. I can see ya'll cringing right now behind your screens, but most of ya'll are probably werewolves, so pipe down!!! I really don't understand why the subject is such a taboo, seeing as the majority of girls I know have more hair than ya average girl (fuck the average girl!!!!!) Well enough of the embarrassment, I'm here to tell you all about a device I use for facial hair.

Firstly, if you're a guy reading this, and this has somewhat painted a horrendous image of me to you, then I'm glad, because you're probably horrendously shit yourself.

So here's a little background story, my 'hair story' so to speak. Seeing as I'm of Middle Eastern descent, I have unfortunately been cursed with hairiness. There, I can say it because I've had to accept it. Gone are the days where I constantly curse my parents for their genes (actually I still do curse my mother, that woman got the hair-free gene and couldn't pass it on :'( ). Sigh, I was the girl with the moustache and mono-brow at school (until I was old enough in my mother's eyes to get rid of it). I can say this without giving a fuck because all the people who did take the piss out of me were idiotic guys who were intimidated by the fact that I could grow more hair than them (why am I saying this proudly lmaooo) and who eventually fell in love with me due to my amazing personality (lol). I guess the upsides of being hairy is that you're blessed with thick eyebrows and thick hair (which although I find a nuisance, I know other people would kill for).



Here's a pic I think demonstrates best my freshly done eyebrows. I'm often asked if they are penciled in at all, they are not, I am hairy.

So yeah, I have tried every type of hair removal in the book.... Cold wax strips: Do not work. Hot wax: Makes me break out, so by the time my spots are gone I'm hairy again....Thread: Fuck my life. Having long eyelashes and thick eyebrows means I have possibly the most painful threading experience. The bitchass lady always seems to get my eyelashes caught on the thread. Sigh.  I surprisingly don't find doing my upper lip painful. I know most people find it unbearable, but for me, because of how often I have to do it (every bloomin' day) I'm just used to it. Getting it done everyday professionally isn't the kindest to my wallet, and I'm not the sorta person who wants to form a relationship with the lady at the salon, because I'm generally awkward like that. So I'd like to stay away from as much as I can.  
So, one day, many years ago, I stumbled across a product which has helped me a heck load with doing my upper lip.

Lolz, doesn't she look so relaxed

This thing my dear friends, is a blooming saviour for people who cannot be bothered to learn how to thread, and people who constantly have to do their upper lip. I know for a fact my upper lip is too sensitive to be waxed (try walking into high school countless times with a scab on your upper lip, sigh), so this is AMAZING.

Here's the instructions for those wondering how the heck you use it: 


THIS SHIT HAS CHANGED MY HAIRY LIFE. It's saved me a lot of money, and is so handy because I can carry it around anywhere with me. It does look a bit dodgy, and if someone found it laying in your handbag, they will probably wonder what the actual fuck? But if this happens, you slap them across the face for even looking in yo handbag!

I can't remember how much I got it for, I think £10 or something along that line.. Pretty inexppensive for what you are getting! The website is www.eze-tweeze.com, so if you're interested you know where to go.

Overall, it is pretty easy to get to grips with. Pain wise, it stings a bit, but you get used to it. That being said, as I said before, my pain threshold on my upper lip seems to be different to other people. Either way, with patience your upper lip will be hairless in minutes. You can use this on other parts of your face, but for me, I can't stomach the pain...It's all down to you and what you can handle.







And there are my manly hands to add to the image of my general manliness.

So that's my upper lip sorted, as for the rest of my goddamn face, I use this sometimes, but I already swear enough, and using this on my face just makes me swear all the more. As does using anything on my face... But that is my own personal battle that I have to live with forever...sigh!

Anyways, I hope I helped some of you girls out there...and I hope you can all join me in a prayer for the hairy girls, 'cause we need all the love we can get- LIFE IS HARD BEING US!!!

P.s. totally tempted to take this out at a dinner party and just started rolling it around across my face like its something casual LOL. What dinner parties do I even go to? I forgot who I am for a second there.

KNOW YOURSELF PEOPLE

and on that note... CIAO